Thursday, December 29, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Of names forgotten
The Darkness surrounds me.
It towers around me.
I close my eyes for they ache from searching for light
Fear grips my bones
It strips the strength arms and legs
I collapse into a ball
Tears run down my face
They feel like snow flakes without the joy
Only Darkness and Fear is here
I lay here for what seems forever
The air does not move
No sound can be heard
And Death beckons me
It promises to end the cold
But I dare not answer it's call
There must be another way
I want to fight back but my strength is gone
I know what I must do
I must call the name that I forgot to scream at the beginning
I had let fear take over by forgetting this name
I do not know whether or not the name will still work
I am not even sure I remember it correctly
But what choice do I have, I lay here at Death's door steps
And if I do not move quickly Death may discover me here
I lay for another minute, my face now dry
Not because I stopped crying, but because I ran out of tears
It is now or never I hear footsteps behind Death's door
I cry out YAHWAH YAHWAH SAVE ME, I NEED YOU MY LOVE
I wait but nothing happens.
The fear returns even stronger
I open my eyes trying searching the Darkness again
There I see it
A candle in a distance
As I watch it, it grows closer
The fear starts to break
Warmth grips my heart
I can feel heat on my cheeks
The flame keeps getting closer and closer
Growing in size as it approaches
When the flame reaches me
It surrounds me, consuming every inch of my body
It does not burn
But brings light
Giving me strength and removing all fear
This fire gives me a purpose
Hands me a sword and says "Fight, for I AM"
It towers around me.
I close my eyes for they ache from searching for light
Fear grips my bones
It strips the strength arms and legs
I collapse into a ball
Tears run down my face
They feel like snow flakes without the joy
Only Darkness and Fear is here
I lay here for what seems forever
The air does not move
No sound can be heard
And Death beckons me
It promises to end the cold
But I dare not answer it's call
There must be another way
I want to fight back but my strength is gone
I know what I must do
I must call the name that I forgot to scream at the beginning
I had let fear take over by forgetting this name
I do not know whether or not the name will still work
I am not even sure I remember it correctly
But what choice do I have, I lay here at Death's door steps
And if I do not move quickly Death may discover me here
I lay for another minute, my face now dry
Not because I stopped crying, but because I ran out of tears
It is now or never I hear footsteps behind Death's door
I cry out YAHWAH YAHWAH SAVE ME, I NEED YOU MY LOVE
I wait but nothing happens.
The fear returns even stronger
I open my eyes trying searching the Darkness again
There I see it
A candle in a distance
As I watch it, it grows closer
The fear starts to break
Warmth grips my heart
I can feel heat on my cheeks
The flame keeps getting closer and closer
Growing in size as it approaches
When the flame reaches me
It surrounds me, consuming every inch of my body
It does not burn
But brings light
Giving me strength and removing all fear
This fire gives me a purpose
Hands me a sword and says "Fight, for I AM"
Monday, September 5, 2011
Of Humble Beginnings
They often ask why we became who we are.
Was it because we wanted to run faster than light? Or did we think gravity was a law that did not bind us? Some say it was just because we were cocky and thought that normal was not good enough for us.
But they got us wrong. We were not cocky or hotheaded. No, we merely saw that we had been given something that others had not, and with that we accepted it. We recognized that we could move mountains and with such power we had a choice. Reach our potential, or shove it under a rug. Most of us always had been told we had potential; it was the ones who were denied this truth that abused their potential.
If you asked any of us, we would say that being normal would have been easier. We were denied normal, however, because once you taste purpose you can never go back. Purpose will destroy any hope of a normal life; purpose became our drug. We risked our lives for other people's lives, for we knew that they had potential also. They, however, had chosen to hide from it and were tossed around as easy as oceans waves. We saw this and had compassion on them. We fought for them, often to the death. Some joined our ranks and reach higher than we ever did. Others joined our enemy and left many lifeless.
The battles were always bloody. Always taking a heavy toll on our souls and bodies, but driven by purpose we accepted this as a price. Anyone who said we did this for fun or out of pride, is a fool. We fought because there was no other choice. This was it; accept purpose or accept death. And if you have ever felt the sweet, cooling effects of purpose, there is no choice.
Tears fill our eyes when we thought of the purpose that awaited everyone, for that is in which we boasted. We boasted in the purpose that ministered to our heart. We boasted so strongly in it, we died daily in order to show others it.
Sure moving mountains was fun, but we did not fight for fun. We fought for purpose, for we were given it and with it were required to use it.
We were heroes and we accepted this responsibly. We accepted our fight. We fought till death took us.
Compassion moved us and Purpose drove us. Now take up our gauntlet and stand with purpose.
Sincerely,
Heroes of the Past
Saturday, June 25, 2011
1 John and Romans 7 from the Mind of a Delusional
I sleep with a fan in the window next to my bed. Sometimes it falls down and wakes me. Today it destroyed my mind. It woke me up at 5 in the morning from a deep sleep. When the fan hit the floor, I sat up and a mix of a scream, howl, and bellow left my mouth. I'm pretty sure it woke the neighbors. It was loud. I sat their on my bed crying and losing my mind; the entire house felt like a monster trapping me. After yelling Psalms 24 several times; I drove to my parents house because my fear was only getting worse.
I am unsure as to the exact reason for my breakdown, but I used to have night terrors as a kid. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and asking for my parents for 15 minutes, even though they were right in front of me trying to calm me. This was similar in feeling.
When I arrived at my parents I tried reading the bible again. I ended up reading the book of 1 John. It is a great book if you are up at 5 in the morning, having a mental breakdown, and want something to read. However, one verse stuck out past the rest in the book. Chapter 2, verse 1:
My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.
So I have been wrestling with this. Trying to figure out if I am a new creation. If I have been changed, or if I am merely trying to uphold a condemning Law. Read the 1 John verse again:
I am unsure as to the exact reason for my breakdown, but I used to have night terrors as a kid. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and asking for my parents for 15 minutes, even though they were right in front of me trying to calm me. This was similar in feeling.
When I arrived at my parents I tried reading the bible again. I ended up reading the book of 1 John. It is a great book if you are up at 5 in the morning, having a mental breakdown, and want something to read. However, one verse stuck out past the rest in the book. Chapter 2, verse 1:
My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.
A couple of months ago I was reading Romans 7 because I found it comforting to see that Paul admits to struggling with doing what it right. Often pastors use it when talking about our battle for sin, and it real nice for that but often I feel used out of context. I kept reading though and realized Paul is talking about life before life though Christ. If you continue into the first half of chapter 8 you start to realize that he is speaking past tense in chapter 7. Paul is talking about living under the Law, not under Christ. He says that his sinful nature is product of the Law. Even though he wishes to follow the Law, he recognizes that his sinful nature holds him in slavery:
For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. (ver 17)
Paul goes on in chapter 8 to say that we are new creations once under Christ.
You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. (ver 9)
Paul says we are no longer slaves to sin because Christ has redeemed our bodiess and given them new Life. This got me thinking: If I am still a slave to sin, have I really accepted Christ's redemption? Have I become a new creation, or am I still under the condemnation of the Law which I am trying (but failing) to uphold?
These questions have lead to many other questions, like; if I am not a new creation is that why I rarely feel the Holy Spirit? Is He only on me and not in me?
But that an entirely other topic.
So I have been wrestling with this. Trying to figure out if I am a new creation. If I have been changed, or if I am merely trying to uphold a condemning Law. Read the 1 John verse again:
My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.
Read it in bold, underlined, and highlighted. John says that he is writing so that we will not sin. John, Paul, and Peter all seem to believe that once we are new creations, we are freed from our sinful nature.
So that you will not sin
John believes that the Gospel has the power to keep us from sin.
Paul says this in chapter 7
So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God.(ver 4)
If is that which is not God's will is sin, then it is not His fruit. We are raised from death by Christ, so that we are not sinners but bearers of God's fruit.
John goes on the say that Christ is our advocate if we do sin, but his hope is that we will not sin. Are we new creations? Are we accepting that we are free from the bondage of sin? Are will bearing God's fruit? Am I living under Christ's salvation, or the Law's condemnation? Is the Holy Spirit guiding me, or merely there when I decide to take Him off the shelf?
My God, I humble myself before you, for I am a slave to sin. I do not bare Your fruit, nor follow in Your ways. I pray that You will see Your servant's heart and see that I desire to be a new creation. I wish to be within Your Light and Your Glory. I do not want to sin against You and my soul any longer. I will make you my God, and be Your servant. May you awake my soul and rise me from the Dead, allow Christ to shine upon me. You alone are my Abba, my Yahweh, my Yehovah; Beloved; God almighty; Just and desiring of my praise. You are Emmanuel; You are with us.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A Sinner's Mind Is A Sanctum
The room is dark and only a faint glow can be seen from under a door. It is only seven feet by five feet, with a roof of six feet. The floor and walls are cement; cold and hard. It is moist and damp; one can hear water dripping from the roof every several seconds. The stench of rotting flesh fills the stagnate air.
It is cold, hard, and smells of death. Wet and musty. Repugnant to all five senses. If the concept of death could be viewed, this room would epitomize it. Nothing is heard except the drops of water hitting the floor. The air is so thick it slows the sound as if the water was falling in slow motion. Standing in the room the only motion or sound is that of the water in the middle of the room. It is to dark to see anything else, but if you stay long enough another sound would appear.
Breathing. It takes awhile until you ears will hear it, but once you do it grows louder. It comes from a corner. Taking a step closer you pull out a lighter. As sparks flicker a flame lights up the corner. A pale body sits against the wall; knees up its chest. Naked the person sits there. The eyes are bloodshot and gray staring into oblivion; never blinking. As you observe the human, you realize the smell of the room comes from person's flesh rotting off their living body.
The skin is tight against the bones. Never eating. Never moving. Only breathing and rotting this body sits there. As you gaze upon the person, you take a step closer. Fear then grips you. Your heart stops. You quickly take a step back and trip over yourself; the lighter falls to the floor, restoring the darkness. As you lay on the wet floor, your mind reels; the person you saw was you.
Welcome to your mind, your soul. It is cold, dark, alone and dying. Your flesh is rotting off your body. You are bleeding from your eyes. Your muscles barely work.
'Tis dark.
'Tis alone.
'Tis rotting.
As your laying there and braking down from the realization of the condition of your soul, never forget the door with the faint glow.
It is cold, hard, and smells of death. Wet and musty. Repugnant to all five senses. If the concept of death could be viewed, this room would epitomize it. Nothing is heard except the drops of water hitting the floor. The air is so thick it slows the sound as if the water was falling in slow motion. Standing in the room the only motion or sound is that of the water in the middle of the room. It is to dark to see anything else, but if you stay long enough another sound would appear.
Breathing. It takes awhile until you ears will hear it, but once you do it grows louder. It comes from a corner. Taking a step closer you pull out a lighter. As sparks flicker a flame lights up the corner. A pale body sits against the wall; knees up its chest. Naked the person sits there. The eyes are bloodshot and gray staring into oblivion; never blinking. As you observe the human, you realize the smell of the room comes from person's flesh rotting off their living body.
The skin is tight against the bones. Never eating. Never moving. Only breathing and rotting this body sits there. As you gaze upon the person, you take a step closer. Fear then grips you. Your heart stops. You quickly take a step back and trip over yourself; the lighter falls to the floor, restoring the darkness. As you lay on the wet floor, your mind reels; the person you saw was you.
Welcome to your mind, your soul. It is cold, dark, alone and dying. Your flesh is rotting off your body. You are bleeding from your eyes. Your muscles barely work.
'Tis dark.
'Tis alone.
'Tis rotting.
As your laying there and braking down from the realization of the condition of your soul, never forget the door with the faint glow.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Victory Loves Preparation
The title of this entry is the only "moral of the story" in The Mechanic. There was nothing redemptive about the movie; you were never sure who you wanted dead. The movie is about a hitman, and long story short his mentor's motto was "Victory Loves Preparation." The movie ends with the other main character dying after he kills the hitman because the hitman had left a booby trap; ergo, victory loves preparation. Stupid movie, but an interesting moral none the less.
I gave the sermon to the Jr Highers at my church this Sunday, and learned an interesting lesson. The sermon was on three chapters of Romans, which is a meaty book to begin with and then try three chapters at once. I was stressing all weekend because I lost in direction on how to compose my talk. I had a million different ideas on what I could talk about, but I had to keep coming back to one line, "We all need a Savior."
Thank God for thesis because without them I would be a rabbit trail prone mess. Thesis are not enough, however, when preparing for the sermon I think I got caught up in pride. The worse part was that I did not even know it until half way through giving my sermon. In my preparation I had an incorrect view of what victory meant.
I knew something was wrong when I first got up because I choked. I had nothing to say. Nothing came to mind. I was blank and stuttering trying to find some words, any words that made sense. I sounded like a drunk; slurred and incorrectly pronouncing every word. And of course as I got more nervous from sucking, I sucked even more. I finally slowed down, got my bearings, and started to make sense for the rest of the talk.
I started thinking. Why? I though I had prepared well enough. Then I realized I had forgotten to pray before I started talking. Then because of that I started thinking more and realized I had wrongly prepared. I had prepared for a victory as a speaker, not victory in God speaking through me. The stupid part is that I am not a good speaker, I frickin suck at even having a normal conversation. I can't pronounce words to save me life, and forget what I'm saying mid-sentence over half the time. My personal verses are Exodus 4:11-12 where God tells Moses that He will teach him what to say. These are mine because I need God to speak through me because my tongue does not work on its own.
I need not worry about preparing a good talk because a talk on its own is dead. I need to be preparing my heart and learning God's word, so that He will speak through me. My victory is in the Holy Spirit reaching the kids where they are in life. When I am worried about how I sound or how to be entertaining, I place myself at the focus of the preparation. The preparation should, however, be focused on knowing God and surrendering to His Words. Victory loves preparations, but only if you are correctly preparing for the right victory.
I gave the sermon to the Jr Highers at my church this Sunday, and learned an interesting lesson. The sermon was on three chapters of Romans, which is a meaty book to begin with and then try three chapters at once. I was stressing all weekend because I lost in direction on how to compose my talk. I had a million different ideas on what I could talk about, but I had to keep coming back to one line, "We all need a Savior."
Thank God for thesis because without them I would be a rabbit trail prone mess. Thesis are not enough, however, when preparing for the sermon I think I got caught up in pride. The worse part was that I did not even know it until half way through giving my sermon. In my preparation I had an incorrect view of what victory meant.
I knew something was wrong when I first got up because I choked. I had nothing to say. Nothing came to mind. I was blank and stuttering trying to find some words, any words that made sense. I sounded like a drunk; slurred and incorrectly pronouncing every word. And of course as I got more nervous from sucking, I sucked even more. I finally slowed down, got my bearings, and started to make sense for the rest of the talk.
I started thinking. Why? I though I had prepared well enough. Then I realized I had forgotten to pray before I started talking. Then because of that I started thinking more and realized I had wrongly prepared. I had prepared for a victory as a speaker, not victory in God speaking through me. The stupid part is that I am not a good speaker, I frickin suck at even having a normal conversation. I can't pronounce words to save me life, and forget what I'm saying mid-sentence over half the time. My personal verses are Exodus 4:11-12 where God tells Moses that He will teach him what to say. These are mine because I need God to speak through me because my tongue does not work on its own.
I need not worry about preparing a good talk because a talk on its own is dead. I need to be preparing my heart and learning God's word, so that He will speak through me. My victory is in the Holy Spirit reaching the kids where they are in life. When I am worried about how I sound or how to be entertaining, I place myself at the focus of the preparation. The preparation should, however, be focused on knowing God and surrendering to His Words. Victory loves preparations, but only if you are correctly preparing for the right victory.
My God I ask for forgiveness for my pride. I pray that I will focus on Your victory, not the victory man holds dear. May I be but a vessel for Your Spirit. Keep me focused on growing closer to You and walking in Your ways. May I be a new creation in Your Son's blood, and may I spread Your love to others. I pray to be known by love and truth, may my life entirely point towards You. You are my God and I am yours. Forget me not and continue Your feverish pursuit of me, Your beloved.
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Day After Tomorrow
Tomorrow marks the end of the world... Or at least it should make the end of the world as we know it.
I do not want the world to end tomorrow, and frankly I am appalled at some of these "christians" that came such. Jesus did not come so mothers could tell their daughters that they are going to hell tomorrow. He came to offer salvation, restoration, and healing that was previously unattainable; he did not come to condemn his children. If anything mothers should be screaming His love for children. I admit that it is not my spot to say but, "Ma'am your millstone with the gold chain is here if your ready for a long walk off a short pier." Whether J-day is tomorrow or next week condemnation is not our job (yeah, I know I'm a hypocrite, but thankfully God still loves her and me).
Condemnation is not are jobs, but loving others is.
I have been thinking this past week, what tomorrow means. I know the world is not going to end tomorrow, but I have come to the conclusion that the world should be different because if it. I started thinking, what if. What if the worlds ends tomorrow, will I proudly stand before God as He says, "Well done, my faithful"?
The more I thought about the more I realized, that I live a pathetic life. I really do. I am thrown around by the events of life. My life is a that of a wave tossed by the wind. If you are ever at the beach on a windy day, you will notice the power wind has over the smaller waves. The wind changes the wave's size, direction, and even the wave's strength is diminished by the wind.
This is my life. Lust destroys my purpose, my strength. Fear shrinks the my size of my courage to help and serve others. I am a chameleon, if I fear that others will think down on my I change my colors. I am swayed by how things are going for me, how others think of me, and how I think of myself. I have nothing solid in me. I am conformed by the slightest nudge. Other things, people control my actions.
My life is pathetic. Nothing that is worthy of notice. I desire for a eulogy that reads "He loved God, He loved others, and He never shied away from speaking Truth. That is Christian. He changed lives and was devoted to bringing the kingdom of God to the sick and broken. God used him to show heaven love to the earth."
My eulogy right now would be quite lacking and worse is that it is my fault. I fritter my time away to lust and video games. I trade in the adventure of this life for the adventure of some person on the Xbox. I trade my own story for those of people on TV. I let the view others have for me come before trying to love them.
I want tomorrow to be a change of the world because it represents a near death experience for everyone. Near death experience are beautiful because they show how near death we all are. They should be changing points. Points where we see where we are failing and how we can better live worthwhile and purposeful lives.
I waste time and am swayed by others. It's were God needs to work. It one of the many areas that I want to do better in. Lucky for me the end of the world is not tomorrow and I have until I die for God to change me. But I could die next week, so I must not continue my wasting of life. We have one life to live and it may not end tomorrow, but we do not know how soon it could actually be.
Consider tomorrow a near death experience to see where we could be living better. I want to stop wasting time. Where do you wish to improve your eulogy? What are you going to improve the day after tomorrow?
I do not want the world to end tomorrow, and frankly I am appalled at some of these "christians" that came such. Jesus did not come so mothers could tell their daughters that they are going to hell tomorrow. He came to offer salvation, restoration, and healing that was previously unattainable; he did not come to condemn his children. If anything mothers should be screaming His love for children. I admit that it is not my spot to say but, "Ma'am your millstone with the gold chain is here if your ready for a long walk off a short pier." Whether J-day is tomorrow or next week condemnation is not our job (yeah, I know I'm a hypocrite, but thankfully God still loves her and me).
Condemnation is not are jobs, but loving others is.
I have been thinking this past week, what tomorrow means. I know the world is not going to end tomorrow, but I have come to the conclusion that the world should be different because if it. I started thinking, what if. What if the worlds ends tomorrow, will I proudly stand before God as He says, "Well done, my faithful"?
The more I thought about the more I realized, that I live a pathetic life. I really do. I am thrown around by the events of life. My life is a that of a wave tossed by the wind. If you are ever at the beach on a windy day, you will notice the power wind has over the smaller waves. The wind changes the wave's size, direction, and even the wave's strength is diminished by the wind.
This is my life. Lust destroys my purpose, my strength. Fear shrinks the my size of my courage to help and serve others. I am a chameleon, if I fear that others will think down on my I change my colors. I am swayed by how things are going for me, how others think of me, and how I think of myself. I have nothing solid in me. I am conformed by the slightest nudge. Other things, people control my actions.
My life is pathetic. Nothing that is worthy of notice. I desire for a eulogy that reads "He loved God, He loved others, and He never shied away from speaking Truth. That is Christian. He changed lives and was devoted to bringing the kingdom of God to the sick and broken. God used him to show heaven love to the earth."
My eulogy right now would be quite lacking and worse is that it is my fault. I fritter my time away to lust and video games. I trade in the adventure of this life for the adventure of some person on the Xbox. I trade my own story for those of people on TV. I let the view others have for me come before trying to love them.
I want tomorrow to be a change of the world because it represents a near death experience for everyone. Near death experience are beautiful because they show how near death we all are. They should be changing points. Points where we see where we are failing and how we can better live worthwhile and purposeful lives.
I waste time and am swayed by others. It's were God needs to work. It one of the many areas that I want to do better in. Lucky for me the end of the world is not tomorrow and I have until I die for God to change me. But I could die next week, so I must not continue my wasting of life. We have one life to live and it may not end tomorrow, but we do not know how soon it could actually be.
Consider tomorrow a near death experience to see where we could be living better. I want to stop wasting time. Where do you wish to improve your eulogy? What are you going to improve the day after tomorrow?
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." ~Hebrews 12:1
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