1 John and Romans 7 from the Mind of a Delusional

I sleep with a fan in the window next to my bed. Sometimes it falls down and wakes me. Today it destroyed my mind. It woke me up at 5 in the morning from a deep sleep. When the fan hit the floor, I sat up and a mix of a scream, howl, and bellow left my mouth. I'm pretty sure it woke the neighbors. It was loud. I sat their on my bed crying and losing my mind; the entire house felt like a monster trapping me. After yelling Psalms 24 several times; I drove to my parents house because my fear was only getting worse.

I am unsure as to the exact reason for my breakdown, but I used to have night terrors as a kid. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and asking for my parents for 15 minutes, even though they were right in front of me trying to calm me. This was similar in feeling.

When I arrived at my parents I tried reading the bible again. I ended up reading the book of 1 John. It is a great book if you are up at 5 in the morning, having a mental breakdown, and want something to read. However, one verse stuck out past the rest in the book. Chapter 2, verse 1:

My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.

A couple of months ago I was reading Romans 7 because I found it comforting to see that Paul admits to struggling with doing what it right. Often pastors use it when talking about our battle for sin, and it real nice for that but often I feel used out of context. I kept reading though and realized Paul is talking about life before life though Christ. If you continue into the first half of chapter 8 you start to realize that he is speaking past tense in chapter 7. Paul is talking about living under the Law, not under Christ. He says that his sinful nature is product of the Law. Even though he wishes to follow the Law, he recognizes that his sinful nature holds him in slavery: 

For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. (ver 17)

Paul goes on in chapter 8 to say that we are new creations once under Christ.

You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. (ver 9)

Paul says we are no longer slaves to sin because Christ has redeemed our bodiess and given them new Life. This got me thinking: If I am still a slave to sin, have I really accepted Christ's redemption? Have I become a new creation, or am I still under the condemnation of the Law which I am trying (but failing) to uphold?

These questions have lead to many other questions, like; if I am not a new creation is that why I rarely feel the Holy Spirit? Is He only on me and not in me? 

But that an entirely other topic.

So I have been wrestling with this. Trying to figure out if I am a new creation. If I have been changed, or if I am merely trying to uphold a condemning Law. Read the 1 John verse again:

My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.

Read it in bold, underlined, and highlighted. John says that he is writing so that we will not sin. John, Paul, and Peter all seem to believe that once we are new creations, we are freed from our sinful nature. 

So that you will not sin

John believes that the Gospel has the power to keep us from sin. 

Paul says this in chapter 7 

So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God.(ver 4)

If is that which is not God's will is sin, then it is not His fruit. We are raised from death by Christ, so that we are not sinners but bearers of God's fruit. 

John goes on the say that Christ is our advocate if we do sin, but his hope is that we will not sin. Are we new creations? Are we accepting that we are free from the bondage of sin? Are will bearing God's fruit? Am I living under Christ's salvation, or the Law's condemnation? Is the Holy Spirit guiding me, or merely there when I decide to take Him off the shelf?

My God, I humble myself before you, for I am a slave to sin. I do not bare Your fruit, nor follow in Your ways. I pray that You will see Your servant's heart and see that I desire to be a new creation. I wish to be within Your Light and Your Glory. I do not want to sin against You and my soul any longer. I will make you my God, and be Your servant. May you awake my soul and rise me from the Dead, allow Christ to shine upon me. You alone are my Abba, my Yahweh, my Yehovah; Beloved; God almighty; Just and desiring of my praise. You are Emmanuel; You are with us.